I have been having a little bit of a rough time. I am trying to focus and what to do with my life. I should be working and being happier. I am a newlywed after all. But finding work is turning out to be harder than I thought. I had a drawback late last night and early this morning. I fell back into thinking the darkest of the dark thoughts. That maybe the world does not need me anymore. That is would be better off without me here anymore. I was sitting on the loveseat at 3am and stayed there until almost 6am with my dagger in my hand. I had gone for a walk first that is why it was with me. It is a small double-edged blade. I know that suicide is not the answer and I have been there before. But the darkness of my soul has come back to the surface. I worked my way through it and found the pain I was feeling to put the blade back into the sheath and go to bed and get ready to sleep. The pain and frustration had me in tears most the time. The chills running up my spine like I was not alone. Even if in that moment I felt nothing but alone. I am not sure what pulled me back this morning but something did. I am not sure if I have purpose in this world but something wanted me to stay here more than the force that wanted me to leave. I am doing my best to get back on track and not force myself to the afterlife just yet. I hope this helps someone else who has been there. Know that you are not alone. Talk to someone. Express yourself in a more positive way. I am going to go work on my writing. That is what keeps me ground. I know this will not be the last time this happens to me. but I am fighting to keep my control.
Love always
me.
bothsidesoftheveil 